At various points in their lives, our children will go though “stuff.”[i] It may be the lower case “stuff,” like tripping and falling, a parent going out of town, a fight with a friend. Sometimes it will be the, the capital S “Stuff.” A new sibling. The death of a family member. Witnessing something they shouldn’t have.
When children go through challenging experiences, they often do not have the ability to process it in the same way that adults do (and let’s face it, as adults, we don’t always process it either!). Instead, we see the outcome of the stress, pain, anxiety; we see the behaviors. You may find that your child is extra emotional. Or having a more difficult time listening. They may be fighting with you, or their siblings, more. School may report a change in behaviors.
There are two paths we often take here. The first may be focusing on the behaviors. Trying to correct the behaviors, encourage more constructive ways of engaging. The other path might be letting the behaviors slide. As caring, loving parents to this child who is so clearly struggling, we may tell ourselves that their behaviors make perfect sense given what they’re experiencing, so we should just let it go.
In fact, our best way to support our child lies somewhere in the middle. If we take the first path and only focus on behaviors, we are missing an opportunity to explore their feelings, to show them that we understand, to support them in navigating this process. And if we let everything slide, we may not provide the boundaries and frame that children need to feel safe.
When a child’s world feels out of control, when nothing feels predictable, and when things don’t make sense to them, this is in fact the time that we MUST hold fast to boundaries and rules. Now, I am not suggesting that we rigidly adhere to the way things have always been, or the way we used to do things. There may be good reasons to make changes to our lives in times of stress and crisis. But we do need to be able to show our children that they are safe, that we’ve got this, that we are not too overwhelmed to help,[ii] and that we will all get through this together. And, like everything else, if we do this in a loving and caring manner, the relationship between you and the child serves as the grounding force that provides a sense of security.
1. We welcome all the feelings that our child may sharing; anger, fear, worry. While they may be hard to hear, our goal is to really listen to our child, to understand what they are experiencing. At the same time, we can (and should!) absolutely put a limit on certain behaviors. Our goal is to allow our child to feel all the feelings they are having, while still holding on to our boundaries around what is safe, acceptable, and tolerable in our home. We welcome their feelings, and at times intervene when we need to limit a behavior. But even as we limit an action, we speak to the feeling that may be driving the behavior.
2. If we are concerned about behaviors, we may stick a little closer. We watch more closely, stand readily available. Not hovering, and not communicating to them that they are out of control, but just remaining close to step in if necessary. We are actively attending to their emotional and physiological states in order to regulate if we must. In doing so, we don’t allow our child – or the situation – to get out of control. In addition to creating a safe environment, it also allows us to be more calm when we have to step in. We are not stepping in at a time where things have gone completely off track; rather, we see that it is going in a direction that is unsafe, and we are able to step in before we ourselves become scared, upset, or angry.
3. We want to make sure that we maintain our own sense of control. We do not want to send our child the message that they are so out of control, that we cannot handle them. That the struggles that they are experiencing define them, are who they are. Instead, we must remind ourselves that this is a child who is struggling because of their circumstances. As Ross Greene often writes, our children want to do well. If they are not, it’s because they cannot; so it is our job to recognize when they are struggling, understand what they are experiencing, and then move forward in providing the sense of safety within the relationship that will allow them to rebalance and move forward.
I certainly do not want to suggest that having this knowledge makes our child’s behaviors easier to tolerate. Especially when we are struggling ourselves. But, you may find it helpful in terms of understanding the why of the behavior, so we can take the steps to support our child’s feelings and internal world when they need it most. And in doing so, as they feel safe, understood, and supported, we will see the challenging behaviors subside over time.[iii]
[i] In therapy, we may talk about “stuff” as “trauma.” I use the word “stuff” here to be inclusive of all types of experiences, whereas trauma may not resonate with everyone.
[ii] If you ARE feeling too overwhelmed, either by your own pain, by your child’s pain, or just by the sheer nature of the stressor, this would be a wonderful time to seek your own support!
[iii] There are, of course, instances where your child may also benefit from support beyond that of a caring and loving parent. If you find that these are having a significantly negative impact on your child’s life, that it is interfering with their relationships, their play, or their day to day experiences, I would recommend reaching out to a child therapist to determine if they may benefit from individual therapy to help them through the challenging time.