My Top Five Parenting Phrases

If you’ve been here a while, you know that I am a huge fan of holding space for your child’s  feelings. By allowing them to express themselves without being told, “don’t worry,” or “it’s fine,” or the dreaded “it’s not that big of a deal,” kids feel heard and supported, and often the emotions and behaviors tend to subside more quickly.

 But sometimes we need a bit more. When those times come up, here are a few of my favorite phrases. 

1) “Let’s reset.” I also love its close cousin, “let’s take a pause.”

Sometimes things just get away from us. We set a limit, our child pushes back, and then suddenly, we are locked in a battle of wills. We are convinced that We Are Right and if we just say it more clearly, more firmly, and without any indication of wavering, they will agree to go along with it. Enter the power struggle. (See my thoughts on power struggles here) But here’s the thing. As convinced as you are of your “rightness,” so is your child. By pushing the reset button (and this can be literal - come up with a special signal for your family!), you may be able to start fresh with a clear and calm mindset.

2) “Do you want to think about some solutions? Or do you want to just feel the feelings for now?”

Have you ever been really upset about something, gone to someone close to you for support, and immediately they jump into problem-solving mode? And in that moment you want to scream… “This is not what I need!” Maybe you already know what you need to do. Maybe you aren’t ready to talk through options. But for the time being, you just want to be heard and supported. Well, the same goes for our kids. Sometimes they really do need the benefit of our help coming up with solutions (for this I love Ross Greene’s CPS model). But sometimes they just want us to know that they’re sad/upset/hurt, and want us to be there with them.

3) “Thank you.” 

“Thank you for helping me understand.” “Thank you for sharing.” “Thank you for working through this with me.” Our children are amazing. Sometimes they’re not yet able to talk about their feelings, or what’s making them upset, or exactly what might be going on for them (to be fair, sometimes we can’t either!). But when we can be present and work together, it’s incredibly meaningful, and it’s so important to acknowledge that.

4) “Hmm.”

This is officially your permission to feel that you do not have to respond to everything that your child says. Sometimes all your child needs to know is that you’ve heard them. This “hmm” says, “How curious!” “Interesting!” “Wow!” This can keep us from engaging in the aforementioned power struggle, and gives you a moment to breathe and consider what you’d like to come next.

5) “Wow. This is hard, isn’t it.”

Being a kid is hard. Being a parent is hard. And sometimes just naming it helps.