Navigating Power Struggles with Confidence and Calm

Every caregiver has been there. You ask something of your child and suddenly, the wall goes up. They’re not budging. And you’re certainly not giving in. It’s an impasse, and one that can escalate in the blink of an eye.

I’m reminded of a scene from “The Breakfast Club.” (*Edited for clarity)

Mr. Vernon: You’re not fooling anybody, Bender.
Bender: Eat my shorts.
Mr. Vernon: What was that?
Bender: Eat…my…shorts.
Mr. Vernon: You just bought yourself another Saturday, mister.
Bender: Oh, I’m crushed.
Mr. Vernon: You just bought one more right there.
Bender: Well, I’m free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I’m gonna have to check my calendar.
Mr. Vernon: Good! Because it’s gonna be filled. We’ll keep going. You want another one? Say the word. Just say the word. (Bender is sullen, and  crosses arms)
Mr. Vernon: Are you through?
Bender: No.
Mr. Vernon: That’s another one right now. Watch your step! You want another one?
Bender: Yes.
Mr. Vernon: You got it! You got another one right there. That’s another one, pal. You through?
Bender: Not even close, bud.
Mr. Vernon: Good. You got one more right there.

Here’s the thing. Our child will rarely (never!) give in. When they hear a threat to their independence, they react by upping the ante. That’s their job. That’s what they do. So what are we to do? Lay down the law? Assert our authority because we’re bigger and stronger? Probably not. More often than not, that will take us right to the Bender/Mr. Vernon scenario. 

Instead, think about the boundary that we are attempting to set. Why am I setting this boundary? Is it really necessary? Do I have the ability to follow through and hold that boundary in this moment? Let’s run through the steps.

1. Why are we setting this boundary?
Is it because we think we should? Examples of these are: children should not question their parents; children should focus on their work in order to ensure success; children should behave a certain way. Guess what. You can (generally) disregard those “shoulds;” these are often boundaries that may not need to be set.

But, there are times where we do need to set a boundary (see step one, to reevaluate why!).

2. First, evaluate your child’s physical and emotional needs.
Are they in a place where they can reasonably be expected to meet this boundary? For example, are they tired, hungry, not feeling well? If your child is not at their best, consider whether you need to set this boundary RIGHT NOW. If the answer is no, great! This may not be the right time. Your child (and you) will be much better off by addressing that need – providing a snack, taking a rest, spending some focused 1:1 time together. Not all moments need to be teaching moments. (Note: This goes for parents, too! If you are not able to hold the boundary, and it is not essential in the moment, hold off!)

3. Maybe you do need to set the boundary.
Sometimes the answer is yes; I must set this boundary right now.  Perhaps it is a health and safety issue, or something that is absolutely essential. How do we set the boundary without setting off or engaging in a power struggle?

With confidence and calm.

4. First, acknowledge your child’s feelings. “It’s really hard to turn off the iPad.” “You’re having so much fun at the park.” “I know you don’t like having to say goodbye to Grandma.”

5. Then, set and hold the boundary.
“I’m going to put away the iPad now. Would you like to press pause, or should I?” “We’re leaving now. Should we walk like a dinosaur or fly like a superhero?” “We have to go home now. Would you like to give Grandma a hug, or a wave?”  

And here is the key: we say this as calmly as if we were commenting that the sky is blue. We are not angry, we are not frustrated, we are not mad. We are simply setting a boundary. 

In doing so, we are communicating to our child that 1) their feelings matter, and 2) you’re confident in the boundary that you have to set, and 3) you are able to tolerate their upset feelings in light of it.  

If your child is upset? That’s okay. This is not an arbitrary boundary. We have run through the steps, and it was a thoughtful and intentional decision. Our job is not to ensure that our child is never upset. Rather, our job is to make the (sometimes difficult) decisions that allow our children to feel safe and secure in the world, in our relationship, and in our love.