Helping Children Through Separations

I recently received a call from a girlfriend who was feeling “heartbroken” that her 3.5 year old son was having a hard time when she needed to leave him (to go to the other room, at daycare when she was at work, and soon, an upcoming work trip). I thought I would share our conversation, as I think it’s applicable to so many, especially as our world continues to move towards a new normal.  

{Please note: You are also a wonderful parent and caregiver if you are not feeling heartbroken. Sometimes we just need some time away, and feel completely unconflicted about it!}

Hearing our kids get upset, seeing them cry, and knowing that it is something that we played a part in is one of the worst feelings we have as a parent and caregiver. It makes sense that you’re feeling heartbroken; you love him, you're connected to him, and you would do anything to take away the pain.  

And yet. 

Your little man is safe. Sad, perhaps, but cared for. Your husband, his playroom, his preschool...these are all places and people that you've decided are safe, loving, and nurturing for him.

 So, in the moment, you have two jobs: 

 1. Project confidence in your decision. You are a mother, but you are also a person. A person who works, who sometimes needs a drink of water, who sometimes needs a moment to themselves. So when you need to step away, remind yourself of the above fact. (Over, and over, and over, if necessary!) He is safe. And it is okay to take that time. 

 2. Tolerate his upset feelings. He loves you! He adores you! He feels sad when you are not around! It makes perfect sense that he is sad when you leave. But here's the key: You do not have to fix it. You don't (and can't) make him stop feeling this sadness. So instead, you welcome his feelings. "It's hard when we have to say goodbye! You wish I were able to stay. I love you very very much." The more we show our children that their feelings are welcome and that we are not trying to make them go away, the more we show them that we understand, that their feelings are important, and that hard feelings are not scary. 

If you're thinking ahead, here are a few books that can help start a discussion about separations and connections (I have no affiliations with these books/authors, they are just ones that I have recommended in the past!): 
You Go Away by Dorothy Corey 
No Matter What by Debi Gliori
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst**
The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn
Owl Babies by Martin Waddell 
**Please note that there is a reference to an uncle in heaven in this book.