Supporting Your Child After a Traumatic Event
CW: Shooting, gun violence
This post has been edited to including talking points to support your conversations with your child/children. The resources listed can still be found at the bottom of this page.
In the aftermath of yesterday’s devastating shooting at the fourth of July parade, parents are moving towards having more in depth conversations with our children. Organizations such as the Child Mind Institute, National Child Traumatic Stress Network, National Association of School Psychologists, and Hannah Perkins Institute have offered recommendations on how to help you talk with your child.
With young children (2-5 years), we may have chosen not to say anything in the past. If we could shield them from seeing images on the TV, from hearing us speak, we did. We monitored our reactions in front of them, and we may have been able to avoid this discussion. In this case, it’s much more likely that you may have been present, or close enough to the event that a conversation is necessary. Here, you’ll want to do everything to ensure that your child feels safe. Extra hugs, touches, moving their body, playing, drawing pictures. The goal is to reassure them that they are not in danger, that they are safe.
For older children (6-11), the conversation is a little different. We know that even if they were not physically present, this will likely be a topic of discussion when they are back together with their peers. We want to make sure that we are the ones to present the information in a clear manner. This that we might have a desire to avoid in order to spare their feelings - guns, injury, death - are already out there. So, we start by giving them the facts and letting them respond. This might look something like this:
“I wanted to tell you about something that happened. There was a man with a gun, and some people got hurt. A few people died.
A lot of people came out to help. The police caught the man, we are safe. He can’t hurt anyone else.
You may see some of your friends, family, counselors having a hard time. Some might be sad, or mad, or scared. That’s okay. It’s okay if you have feelings too…or even if you are not sure what to feel.
We are safe. We will always do everything we can to help keep you safe.
Do you have any questions you’d like to talk about?”
*In the course of these conversations, you can think through the level of detail your child may be exposed to. If they are not gong to hear the specifics, you may choose not to share those with them. In that case, you might say, “Something sad happened, and just like you sometimes feel sad, I am feeling sad right now. It’s so important that you know that it’s not your job to make me feel better. We are safe, and I am here to take care of you, just like always.”
One of the things that you may be worried about is not having an answer to questions your child may ask. How could you? There is no way to make meaning of this senseless act. It’s absolutely okay to say, “I don’t know,” or “We may have to wait to know more.” You can let them know that “I wish I had an answer. I wonder about that too.” As parents, we think we must be able to answer our children at every time, to make everything better. Here, we cannot. But we can make space for their feelings, and provide any comfort we can.
Your child may not want to talk at all. They may also talk about it over and over, as they try to process. Both are okay. It may be hard to hear from their perspective, but it is their way of processing what happened.
It’s important to expect that your child may be out of rhythm. They may act in ways that aren’t typical for them. Sleep, appetite, and/or mood may be affected (just as they may be for you). Treat all of yourselves gently.
As we react and adjust, routine and consistency are key. You can read about that here to see we can accomplish maintaining routine, while gently making room for the emotions that arise.
While we can expect that our kids (and we) will still be processing, if over time you feel like their stress, pain, anxiety, or upset are interfering with their day to day functioning, you may choose to seek out professional support from a child therapist who specializes in trauma (the same goes for you!). Here is a link to local trauma-informed therapists with immediate openings:
https://catchiscommunity.org/local-trauma-informed-therapists
My thoughts are with you, with our children, and with our community.
Resources:
Helping Children Cope After a Traumatic Event - Child Mind Institute
Talking to Children When Scary Things Happen - National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN)
How To Talk to Kids After a Traumatic Event - KQED
Talking with Children About Difficult Things in the News - Fred Rogers Institute
When the Little Ones Learn of Bad Things in the World - Hannah Perkins Institute
Another Tragedy: Addressing it with Your Children - Hannah Perkins Institute
Creating Supportive Environments When Scary Things Happen - NCTSN
Books about trauma and feelings (link to a youtube video of the book being read):
"Once I Was Very Scared" by Chandra Ghosh Ippen
"A Terrible Thing Happened" by Margaret M. Holmes
"Jenny is Scared - When Sad Things Happen in the World" by Carol Shuman